World Wide Walrus
The Official Web Page for Serious Walrus Lovers Everywhere

Yes, it's true! This page has been approved personally by the head of Big Association of 'Round the World Walrus Motivated Fans, or "BARWWMF," which means the same to a walrus saying the same word. This page is good to see if you are a walrus fan, and a must for those who are not. Many people do not know how important these creatures are to the ecosystem, comedy, and descriptions of really bad acid trips. But it's so much more than that, too!


What is a Walrus?

The walrus (Odobenus rosmarus divergens for those of you who think Latin is the dead language that will live forever) is a large brown and leathery pinniped with two very large tusks that stick straight down from their mustached faces. It kind of looks like a large two-ton seal that had a fight with a huge plastic fork... and lost. They start out in life the size of an overweight basset hound, and can grow to the size of a Chevy Impala. They come from the family pinniped, which is Latin for "web-footed" which could also describe a kid I knew at camp, but that's neither here nor there. This is not to be confused with "pinnatailondadonkee", which is an Algonquin word meaning, "stupid party game." They spend a lot of time on the shore, sunning themselves, burping and rolling about like Rush Limbaugh at a picnic buffet. But when they are in the water, they are graceful swimmers and fearsome opponents, although one has yet to appear on American Gladiators. Vikings so revered this creature, that they named it after their mother-in-laws, "Hval-hross," which has recently been discovered to mean "Whale-horse." This might explain the Viking's bad temper or poor taste in brides.

Walruses generally eat mollusks, fish, and sissy nature photographers who get too close. But their favorite food is clams. They dig for clams from the sea bottom with their snouts or blow them loose with a jet of water, then suck the clams from their shells. This intensive tilling releases nutrients into the water column, provides food for scavengers, but is considered rude as anything to do so at your local Red Lobster.

Scientific Walrus Links

Walruses Throughout History

How important is the walrus in history? Without walruses, there would be no history! Could Napoleon have won the battle at Waterloo without a walrus? Yes, I know he lost, and that's because he didn't have one! That's what he gets for sitting on horses all day. If Tesla had invented the Electric Walrus Coil, he wouldn't have died alone and insane in his apartment many decades ago. If in World War 2, Japan had strapped bombs on walruses, tied huge helium balloons to them, and set them floating over mainland North America, it would have been silly! But at least it would have involved walruses!

It all started roughly 15 million years ago, shortly before the advent of Vaudeville, when walruses appeared to have evolved in the North Atlantic and spread to Beringia (Russian for "This stupid piece of land couldn't possibly contain oil or gold, ha ha!") before the last Great Ice Age. And those Ice Ages were great, weren't they? Too bad their drummer was killed by an angered Viking mother-in-law. But I digress.

Everything was going pretty good until the humans, soon to become the walrus's chief predator, came over the Northern Land Bridge over 30,000 years ago. There went the neighborhood. Eskimos and Vikings hunted the walrus for food, blubber, ivory, and skin. It was too much of a good thing, because in the mid 1800's, people who were slaughtering whales just couldn't get enough fun out of it, and started on the walruses, mainly for their ivory. These are the same whalers responsible for killing whales, tortoises, seals, otters, beavers, and wiping out several species of birds like the Do-do, Auk, and Moa. What a bunch of jerks they were! Man, they remind me of those party crashers who eat all your food, and then depress you horribly about how their girlfriend doesn't understand them. And for the walruses, the party was almost over there for a while. And it would get worse. Americans, Canadians, Russians, and Norwegian Mother-in-Laws would start a whole new terrifying wave of whole-sale slaughter in the 1900's, until it looked like this animal would pack up and move to smithereens. But in the 1950's, the Walrus God returned from his vacation, and the Soviets and Americans stopped, and by 1980, the populations were at pre-slaughter numbers. But things are never easy, are they? Like the elephant, the walrus's feeding range have been so limited by commercial purposes, that they are running low on food, and what used to be a healthy population is not an overcrowded mess. Soon, you will see homeless walruses begging for scraps at the local seafood eatery. Shameful. Pathetic.

Modern Walrus Influences

How have people been influenced by these pinnipeds? How haven't they? Ever since Lewis Carroll wrote "The Walrus and The Carpenter", people have used walruses in literature and modern art. How else can one explain such a paradox, a stupid fat belching mammal reminicent of your Uncle Lou, but once in the water, they are graceful and agressive swimmers, like Mark Spitz on PCP (Did I just make a Mark Spitz joke? Jees, I need more current material...). Just look at some of the stuff on the web:

The Roswell Incident

Finally, it can be told! Or, maybe it can't. Sorry. I just got caught up in the hype. Frankly, it might be easy to take the Van Daniken approach and claim anything that ever happened worth mentioning was created by some super alien force, but I find it hard to believe that walruses came from another galaxy just to sit around and get shot at by Eskimos or henpecked Viking sailors.

Why Walruses are Great

  1. They never crash parties, play depressing Irish Ballads on your CD player, and eat all the good snacks.
  2. A walrus has never been accused of arson, or any other fire-related crime.
  3. Walruses are larger than both llamas and frogs.
  4. Never in the history of journalism, has a walrus made a sensationalist remark to get better ratings, except that one who said, "Baaarrgggkkk!" on that PBS Documentary last year, and we suspect he was really twelve or so otters dressed in a walrus suit as a fraternity prank.
  5. I have never seen a walrus play "chopsticks" on a demo synthesizer at a Jordan Kitts or a Radio Shack in any mall.
  6. Walruses always know where the good food is at.
  7. Out of any sea mammal, walruses can do a pretty good "frug".

Fun Walrus Games

Over the years of elementary school, I have learned the humor potential of a walrus. There are two classic ways to do walrus humor that will guarantee even the most disciplined of third-graders to crack up in the classroom or cafeteria:

Any child aged between 5-8 who does not at least smirk at this act needs to be taken to a psychologist immediately.
[ Home ] [ What's New ] [ About Me ] [ My Writings ] [ Web Links ] [ Post Office ]