World Wide Walrus
The Official Web Page for Serious Walrus Lovers Everywhere
Yes, it's true! This page has been approved personally by the head
of Big Association of 'Round the World Walrus Motivated Fans, or
"BARWWMF," which means the same to a walrus saying the same word.
This page is good to see if you are a walrus fan, and a must for those
who are not. Many people do not know how important these creatures
are to the ecosystem, comedy, and descriptions of really bad acid trips.
But it's so much more than that, too!
What is a Walrus?
The walrus (Odobenus rosmarus divergens for those of you who think
Latin is the dead language that will live forever) is a large brown and
leathery pinniped with two very large tusks that stick straight down from
their mustached faces. It kind of looks like a large two-ton seal
that had a fight with a huge plastic fork... and lost. They start out in
life the size of an overweight basset hound, and can grow to the size of
a Chevy Impala. They come from the family pinniped, which is Latin
for "web-footed" which could also describe a kid I knew at camp, but that's
neither here nor there. This is not to be confused with "pinnatailondadonkee",
which is an Algonquin word meaning, "stupid party game." They spend a lot
of time on the shore, sunning themselves, burping and rolling about like
Rush Limbaugh at a picnic buffet. But when they are in the water, they
are graceful swimmers and fearsome opponents, although one has yet to appear
on American Gladiators. Vikings so revered this creature,
that they named it after their mother-in-laws, "Hval-hross," which has
recently been discovered to mean "Whale-horse." This might explain
the Viking's bad temper or poor taste in brides.
Walruses generally eat mollusks, fish, and sissy nature photographers
who get too close. But their favorite food is clams. They dig for
clams from the sea bottom with their snouts or blow them loose with a jet
of water, then suck the clams from their shells. This intensive tilling
releases nutrients into the water column, provides food for scavengers,
but is considered rude as anything to do so at your local Red Lobster.
Scientific Walrus Links
Walruses Throughout History
How important is the walrus in history? Without walruses, there would be
no history! Could Napoleon have won the battle at Waterloo without a walrus?
Yes, I know he lost, and that's because he didn't have one! That's what
he gets for sitting on horses all day. If Tesla had invented the Electric
Walrus Coil, he wouldn't have died alone and insane in his apartment many
decades ago. If in World War 2, Japan had strapped bombs on walruses, tied
huge helium balloons to them, and set them floating over mainland North
America, it would have been silly! But at least it would have involved
It all started roughly 15 million years ago, shortly before the advent
of Vaudeville, when walruses appeared to have evolved in the North
Atlantic and spread to Beringia (Russian for "This
stupid piece of land couldn't possibly contain oil or gold, ha ha!")
before the last Great Ice Age. And those Ice Ages were great, weren't
they? Too bad their drummer was killed by an angered Viking mother-in-law.
But I digress.
Everything was going pretty good until the humans, soon to become the
walrus's chief predator, came over the Northern Land Bridge over 30,000
years ago. There went the neighborhood. Eskimos and Vikings
hunted the walrus for food, blubber, ivory, and skin. It was too
much of a good thing, because in the mid 1800's, people who were slaughtering
whales just couldn't get enough fun out of it, and started on the walruses,
mainly for their ivory. These are the same whalers responsible for
killing whales, tortoises, seals, otters, beavers, and wiping out several
species of birds like the Do-do, Auk, and Moa. What a bunch of jerks
they were! Man, they remind me of those party crashers who eat all
your food, and then depress you horribly about how their girlfriend doesn't
understand them. And for the walruses, the party was almost over
there for a while. And it would get worse. Americans, Canadians,
Russians, and Norwegian Mother-in-Laws would start a whole new terrifying
wave of whole-sale slaughter in the 1900's, until it looked like this animal
would pack up and move to smithereens. But in the 1950's, the Walrus
God returned from his vacation, and the Soviets and Americans stopped,
and by 1980, the populations were at pre-slaughter numbers. But things
are never easy, are they? Like the elephant, the walrus's feeding
range have been so limited by commercial purposes, that they are running
low on food, and what used to be a healthy population is not an overcrowded
mess. Soon, you will see homeless walruses begging for scraps at
the local seafood eatery. Shameful. Pathetic.
Modern Walrus Influences
How have people been influenced by these pinnipeds? How haven't
they? Ever since Lewis Carroll wrote "The Walrus and The Carpenter",
people have used walruses in literature and modern art. How else can one
explain such a paradox, a stupid fat belching mammal reminicent of your
Uncle Lou, but once in the water, they are graceful and agressive swimmers,
like Mark Spitz on PCP (Did I just make a Mark Spitz joke? Jees, I need
more current material...). Just look at some of the stuff on the web:
The Roswell Incident
Finally, it can be told! Or, maybe it can't. Sorry. I just got caught up
in the hype. Frankly, it might be easy to take the Van Daniken approach and
claim anything that ever happened worth mentioning was created by some
super alien force, but I find it hard to believe that walruses came from
another galaxy just to sit around and get shot at by Eskimos or henpecked
Why Walruses are Great
- They never crash parties, play depressing Irish Ballads on your CD player, and eat all the good snacks.
- A walrus has never been accused of arson, or any other fire-related crime.
- Walruses are larger than both llamas and frogs.
- Never in the history of journalism, has a walrus made a sensationalist
remark to get better ratings, except that one who said, "Baaarrgggkkk!"
on that PBS Documentary last year, and we suspect he was really twelve
or so otters dressed in a walrus suit as a fraternity prank.
- I have never seen a walrus play "chopsticks" on a demo synthesizer at a Jordan Kitts or a Radio Shack in any mall.
- Walruses always know where the good food is at.
- Out of any sea mammal, walruses can do a pretty good "frug".
Fun Walrus Games
Over the years of elementary school, I have learned the humor potential
of a walrus. There are two classic ways to do walrus humor that will guarantee
even the most disciplined of third-graders to crack up in the classroom or cafeteria:
Any child aged between 5-8 who does not at least smirk at this act needs to be taken to a
- Walrus tusks can be made three ways. The first involves nasal insertion
of two similariliy-lengthed pens or pencils, lightly shoved partially up the nose,
and held in place by friction. Do NOT shove them up to far, or your nose
will bleed, and you'll get quite a different respose to your sight gag.
The second way, which requires more prepatation, is to get a plastic fork with
long tines (a spork is too small, you'll look like a cartoon alien with fangs),
and break the two middle tines and the handle off at the palm of the fork. Then
insert the palm-less-two-tines between your upper lip and gums. Hold in place
by tightening your upper lip. Note, this also can be dangerous, since the jagged
edges of the broken-off areas could cut the sensitive gum tissue, causing bleeding.
Gum bleeding will also get a different response, but you can save youself somewhat
by pretending to be a vampire. The third way is to substitute a fork for two
soda straws, but if you tighten your lip too much, you'll look like a walrus who
nearly got his teeth knocked out in a fight.
- The classic walrus sound should not try to be realistic! When you make a sound like
a walrus, use a barking seal sound instead, or people will not understand why you are
belching with pencils up your nose. Keep in mind most of your fellow students
will identify more readily with a barking seal noise, since not many of them have
never seen an actual pinniped, and will not recognize the "bbaaarrrrppppmmmffff" to be
a noise they commonly make.
- Since, again, people think of walruses as large seals, you can emphasize the humor
by extending your arms outward until your elbows are straight, and
the elbows straight.
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