Yes, it's true! This page has been approved personally by the head of Big Association of 'Round the World Walrus Motivated Fans, or "BARWWMF," which means the same to a walrus saying the same word. This page is good to see if you are a walrus fan, and a must for those who are not. Many people do not know how important these creatures are to the ecosystem, comedy, and descriptions of really bad acid trips. But it's so much more than that, too!

What is a Walrus?

Walruses generally eat mollusks, fish, and sissy nature photographers who get too close. But their favorite food is clams. They dig for clams from the sea bottom with their snouts or blow them loose with a jet of water, then suck the clams from their shells. This intensive tilling releases nutrients into the water column, provides food for scavengers, but is considered rude as anything to do so at your local Red Lobster.

Scientific Walrus Links

• Bering Land Bridge National Preserves - Some great walrus text with photos
• Togiak National Wildlife Refuge - A lot of really good photos
• Busch Garden's Sea World - Fairly good site for a beer company :)
• Fish & Wildlife Service's Walrus Program - Fairly dry and dull site about walrus populations
• Odobenus rosmarus - Another Walrus Fan Page
• Walrus Master's Page - This Rebellious youth has taken walrus fandom to a new art
• The Cincinnati Zoo's Endangered List - What's a "Clud Sandwich?"
• Creature World - Cute Page, not much info.
• Natural Resources of Canada - Walruses, eh?
• Indianapolis Zoo - Scant Walrus Site

Walruses Throughout History

It all started roughly 15 million years ago, shortly before the advent of Vaudeville, when walruses appeared to have evolved in the North Atlantic and spread to Beringia (Russian for "This stupid piece of land couldn't possibly contain oil or gold, ha ha!") before the last Great Ice Age. And those Ice Ages were great, weren't they? Too bad their drummer was killed by an angered Viking mother-in-law. But I digress.

Everything was going pretty good until the humans, soon to become the walrus's chief predator, came over the Northern Land Bridge over 30,000 years ago. There went the neighborhood. Eskimos and Vikings hunted the walrus for food, blubber, ivory, and skin. It was too much of a good thing, because in the mid 1800's, people who were slaughtering whales just couldn't get enough fun out of it, and started on the walruses, mainly for their ivory. These are the same whalers responsible for killing whales, tortoises, seals, otters, beavers, and wiping out several species of birds like the Do-do, Auk, and Moa. What a bunch of jerks they were! Man, they remind me of those party crashers who eat all your food, and then depress you horribly about how their girlfriend doesn't understand them. And for the walruses, the party was almost over there for a while. And it would get worse. Americans, Canadians, Russians, and Norwegian Mother-in-Laws would start a whole new terrifying wave of whole-sale slaughter in the 1900's, until it looked like this animal would pack up and move to smithereens. But in the 1950's, the Walrus God returned from his vacation, and the Soviets and Americans stopped, and by 1980, the populations were at pre-slaughter numbers. But things are never easy, are they? Like the elephant, the walrus's feeding range have been so limited by commercial purposes, that they are running low on food, and what used to be a healthy population is not an overcrowded mess. Soon, you will see homeless walruses begging for scraps at the local seafood eatery. Shameful. Pathetic.

Modern Walrus Influences

How have people been influenced by these pinnipeds? How haven't they? Ever since Lewis Carroll wrote "The Walrus and The Carpenter", people have used walruses in literature and modern art. How else can one explain such a paradox, a stupid fat belching mammal reminicent of your Uncle Lou, but once in the water, they are graceful and agressive swimmers, like Mark Spitz on PCP (Did I just make a Mark Spitz joke? Jees, I need more current material...). Just look at some of the stuff on the web:

• A Walrus Sing-a-long - For those of you who have no shame in the workplace
• I am The Walrus - And you're not. Paul McCartney was (maybe), and wrote about it (if he wasn't dead).
• Walrus Magazine
• A Walrus ISP - If you can believe it!
• The Walrus and the Carpenter - The Original Poem
• A Punk Walrus - My own book :)
• The Lair of the Walrus
• You Walrus Hurt the Ones You Love - A Cartoonist's Site
• Walrus Productions - Inspirational and Humorous Works
• Funk Walrus - No lie! Jazz and Blues Walruses
• The Lair of the Walrus

The Roswell Incident

Why Walruses are Great

1. They never crash parties, play depressing Irish Ballads on your CD player, and eat all the good snacks.
2. A walrus has never been accused of arson, or any other fire-related crime.
3. Walruses are larger than both llamas and frogs.
4. Never in the history of journalism, has a walrus made a sensationalist remark to get better ratings, except that one who said, "Baaarrgggkkk!" on that PBS Documentary last year, and we suspect he was really twelve or so otters dressed in a walrus suit as a fraternity prank.
5. I have never seen a walrus play "chopsticks" on a demo synthesizer at a Jordan Kitts or a Radio Shack in any mall.
6. Walruses always know where the good food is at.
7. Out of any sea mammal, walruses can do a pretty good "frug".

Fun Walrus Games

• Walrus tusks can be made three ways. The first involves nasal insertion of two similariliy-lengthed pens or pencils, lightly shoved partially up the nose, and held in place by friction. Do NOT shove them up to far, or your nose will bleed, and you'll get quite a different respose to your sight gag. The second way, which requires more prepatation, is to get a plastic fork with long tines (a spork is too small, you'll look like a cartoon alien with fangs), and break the two middle tines and the handle off at the palm of the fork. Then insert the palm-less-two-tines between your upper lip and gums. Hold in place by tightening your upper lip. Note, this also can be dangerous, since the jagged edges of the broken-off areas could cut the sensitive gum tissue, causing bleeding. Gum bleeding will also get a different response, but you can save youself somewhat by pretending to be a vampire. The third way is to substitute a fork for two soda straws, but if you tighten your lip too much, you'll look like a walrus who nearly got his teeth knocked out in a fight.
• The classic walrus sound should not try to be realistic! When you make a sound like a walrus, use a barking seal sound instead, or people will not understand why you are belching with pencils up your nose. Keep in mind most of your fellow students will identify more readily with a barking seal noise, since not many of them have never seen an actual pinniped, and will not recognize the "bbaaarrrrppppmmmffff" to be a noise they commonly make.
• Since, again, people think of walruses as large seals, you can emphasize the humor by extending your arms outward until your elbows are straight, and clap, keeping the elbows straight.