If Yamaha or Aulos had a technical support line...

Tech:

Music support, how may I help you?

Cust:

Your damn recorder doesn't work!

Tech:

I'm sorry, sir. In what way is its performance not satisfactory?

Cust:

It won't record a damn thing!

Tech:

Excuse me sir? [waves down Supervisor to listen in on call]

Cust:

I tried using it to record a symphony, and not only are the buttons missing for operation, but when I took the battery part out, there were no electronics at all!!! What kind of people are you?

Tech:

Buttons?

Cust:

Yes, buttons, and don't tell me recorders don't have buttons like the last tech tried to convince me, I see the holes where they go! You bozos sent me a shell of a recorder, with nothing in it at all!

Tech:

Sir, I think you misunderstood. A recorder is a wind instrument--

Cust:

Don't give me any of that techno-crap! It doesn't matter who made it, it's one of yours, your phone number is on the package, and YOU'RE going to fix it!

Tech:

Sir, what you were looking for was a recording device, and you bought a musical recorder instead--

Cust:

Yes I did, to record MUSIC! And does it? NO! It just sits there with no buttons or parts--

Tech:

Sir? It is an instrument used to play music--

Cust:

How the hell can it play music when it's can't even record it? You assholes think you can confuse the common man with bullshit, well you are WRONG! Customers are getting pretty savvy to the ways of shysters like your company! Now will I get my recorder or not? Or do I have to get a lawyer?

Tech:

You purchased the wrong thing. Please return it to the store you purchased it from--

Cust:

I TRIED that! And you know what? They are in on it too, because they hid in the back room and LAUGHED at me! I can hear pretty well, bozo, and I'm hearin' a court case on your ass!

Tech:

Sir, what you purchased is to make original music by blowing into it and putting your fingers on the holes--

Cust:

Well there's no need to be rude! I want to speak to your supervisor right NOW!

Supv:

[is on the floor laughing hysterically, waves at tech to indicate he cannot talk right now between gasps]

Tech:

Uh... he's sick right now.

Cust:

Bull crap!

Tech:

No, really, he's on the floor, holding his stomach and making gasping noises. Why don't you tell the store people that if they won't accept the return, tell them to call us. We'll refund them --

Cust:

I'm calling my lawyer, the Better Business Bureau, Consumer Advocates Group, the local news--

Tech:

[fearing customer dying from shock humiliation] Oh, please sir, I wouldn't do that if I were you...

Cust:

Yeah, got you scared now, don't I? Well you just wait! Soon, this will be the shot heard around the world!

Tech:

Sir, for the last time, you purchased a musical instrument like a small flute that is used to make semi-clarinet like noises when you blow through the narrow end. You did not purchase a recording instrument for playback later. You need to know how to play the instrument and read music.

Cust:

Then why is it called a recorder?

Tech:

Um...

Cust:

Aha! Caught you in your own marketing scam! I'm not as dumb as you think I am, yes-sir-ee. Now when are you going to send me a new recorder?

Tech:

Calling shipping right now, let me transfer you to them so you can give them your address. [click]

Supv:

[between gasps] Why'd you do that?

Tech:

I owed them a favor. Those boys need a good laugh.