NET.IDIOTS
v 2.00w - The Web Version
by Grig "Punkie" Larson

Here at Punkadyne Laboratories and Archives ("Where 'Get a life' takes on a whole new meaning..."), we have been researching the net.idiots for over five years. In these five years, we watched a handful of brilliant minds become washed out like a cheap bridge by tons of people who should know better. Some of the users on public server, for instance, have done for the image of the United States and the Internet what Hitler did for Germany's image. Many of these Cyberdunces could be cured simply by the following file. Then again, with some of them it's a wonder they can type at all.

In cases of severe net.idiocy, we suggest you save this file, and reply via private post (public post for severe infestations only) with this file. It will save you a cumbersome flame, and maybe the net.idiot will learn a thing or two.

Minor Grammar Lesson (you should have learned these in 4th grade):

Your/You're/Yore/Yor
Your Possesive or relational
  • "Your manners are common usually only to babboons." 
  • "Your System Administrator is going to remove your access." 
You're Contraction of "You are"
  • "You're a total incontinent moron." 
  • "You're a disgrace to the UseNet public!" 
Yore Times of long ago
  • "In days of yore, the Internet was a happy place without you..." 
Yor Hunter of the Future, or a just really bad movie? 
  • "Yor say, 'Eat meat of enemies, it make you strong!'"
  ITS vs. IT'S
Its  Possesive
  • "UseNet approves of its decision to report your idiocy." 
  • "Your continued postings may cause your computer to dump its core." 
It's Contraction of "It is" 
  • "It's amazing that you have a brain at all." 
  • "We're afraid it's time to pull the plug on your access." 
 

TO/TOO/TWO/2... chugga chugga...
To Preposition 
  • "To call you an idiot would be insulting to other idiots." 
Too adverb meaning "very" or "as well" 
  • "You are too stupid for idiots, too." 
  • "Your anal retentiveness has gone too far."
Two or 2 The whole number between 1 and 3 
  • "It would take two of you to make one idiot." 
  • "1) You're an idiot. 2) You're a mistake at a terminal. 

THERE/THEIR/THEY'RE
There not here; away from subject
  • "There is an idiot who can't post intelligently." 
  • "Is there a scap of decency anywhere on you?" 
Their Plural or gender unspecific possessive 
  • "Their network provider must hate them." 
  • "Let's get the SysAdmin to remove their access." 
They're Contraction of "they are"
  • "They're going to ruin the UseNet for everyone! 
  • "People think that they're the worst thing for UseNet since Prodigy!" 

Loose/Lose
Loose Not tight or rampantly mobile 
  • "You have a loose sense of intelligent posting." 
  • "Loosely speaking, you are an idiot on the loose." 
Lose To misplace or the opposite of "win" 
  • "We'll call your SysAdmin and you will lose your access." 
  • "You are a complete loser." 
 
 
 

POSSESSIVES:

No apostrope if it is NOT a possevive.  "The postmasters said to give up your access."
An apostrophe if it is really a possessive "Your postmaster's patience with you ran out."
Note change in apostrophe location for multiple possessives "All the users' decisions agreed on one point:
  You should give up computing all together."
You can also use an apostrophe as a contraction of  "is" "The postmaster's going to cancel your access" 

QUOTATION MARKS
Quotations marks are for *quotations* (duh!), and not _emphasis_.  If you  want to emphasise something, put it in *asterisks*, _underscore them_,  or even TYPE IN ALL CAPS.  Quotations are for quoting something someone  else said, or was labelled:

"Morons like this jerk should have never been given a computer," said the System Administrator, his finger over the "delete" button.
Also quotes can be used this way to preface definitions or "so-called"  tongue-in-cheek phrases:
"Netfancide" is a new word describing users who "grace" the net with their immature postings, dragging down the intelligence level to the double digit IQ range.
So if you use the quotes to *emphasise*, you end up MOCKING what you said:
I think "we" should all be "honest" in front of our "bosses".
This means, "You and I (meaning just me) should lie like hell in the presence of the incompetant management."
MANY ANNOYING NET.HABITS
One of the first things that a lot of idiots for get is the "return" key or the "enter" key. This causes an annying wraparound effect that screws up many scrolling utilities.

I think that this message is STUPID!  I hope this poster would die for taking up my time with his annoying correct grammar drills.  Who the fuck does he think he is anyway?  He tells me to use the "kill" function, but I am way too stupid to even think about using anything, including the "next" fuction. Complaining is my way to show the world that I live in a bubble of my own self- pity and have no concept of people outside myself. 


>>>>>> Cascades are really annoying
>>>>> Kool-aid bars are for toying
>>>> Drooling bears are ploying
>>> Cooling cars are going
>> Fooling around unknowing
> Posting without IQ showing
Rhyming abused and growing
Never use too many control L breaks ^L And always know which one works.

Try 2 not uze 2 many cute contractions.  This makes U l00k like a 13yr-old BBS geek. & nevr uze phrases like "Metalica R00lz!" "CUL8R d00d" or "UR so stupit."

In this doggie-dog world, one should be uphauled at the fragrant use of  malapropisms, for all intensive purposes.

KEEP YOUR .SIGS REASONABLY SHORT! Gees... and remember how some SUCK unless you have a fixed- width font... 


|#########################################################################|
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|#|   *****  *    *  *****    *   *  *****  *****  *****                |#|
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|#|     *    ******  ***      * * *  ***    *  **  *****   *****        |#|
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|#|   ****   *****  *****         *****  *****  *****    *****  *****   |#|
|#|   *  **    *    *             *        *    *        *      *   *   |#|
|#|   ****     *    *  **         *****    *    *  **    *      *   *   |#|
|#|   *  **    *    *   *     **      *    *    *   *    *      *   *   |#|
|#|   ****   *****  *****     **  *****  *****  *****    *****  *****   |#|
|#|                                                                     |#|
|#|            T-H-E  M-E-G-A  B-I-G  .S-I-G  C-O-M-P-A-N-Y             |#|
|#|                  ~-----------------------------~                    |#|
|#|  "Annoying people with huge net.signatures for over 20 years..."    |#|
|#|                                                                     |#|
|#|---------------------------------------------------------------------|#|
|#| "The difference between a net.idiot and a bucket of shit is that at |#|
|#|  least a bucket can be emptied.  Let me further illustrate my point |#|
|#|  by comparing these charts here. (pulls out charts)  Here we have a |#|
|#|  user who not only flames people who don't agree with his narrow-   |#|
|#|  minded drivel, but he has this huge signature that takes up many   |#|
|#|  pages with useless quotes.  This also makes reading his frequented |#|
|#|  newsgroups a torture akin to having at 300 baud modem on a VAX. I  |#|
|#|  might also add that his contribution to society rivals only toxic  |#|
|#|  dump sites."                                                       |#|
|#|                     -- Robert A. Dumpstik, Jr                       |#|
|#|                        President of The Mega Big Sig Company        |#|
|#|                        September 13th, 1990 at 4:15pm               |#|
|#|                        During his speech at the "Net.abusers        |#|
|#|                        Society Luncheon" during the                 |#|
|#|                        "1990 Net.idiots Annual Convention"          |#|
|#|_____________________________________________________________________|#|
|#|                                                                     |#|
|#| Thomas Babbit, III: 5th Assistant to the Vice President of Sales    |#|
|#|      __                                                             |#|
|#|  ==========    ______             Digital Widget Manufacturing Co.  |#|
|#|         \\     /                  1147 Complex Incorporated Drive   |#|
|#|        )-=======                  Suite 215                         |#|
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|#| #NC-17 Enterpoop Ship :)          Phone # 804-844-2525              |#|
|#|    ----------------               Fax # 804-411-1115                |#|
|#| "Shut up, Wesley!"                Online Service # 804-411-1100     |#|
|#|                  -- Me            at 300-2400, and now 9600 baud!   |#|
|#|                                   PUNet: tbabb!digwig!nostromo      |#|
|#| Home address:                     InterNet: dvader@imperial.emp.com |#|
|#| Thomas Babbit, III                Prodigy: Still awaiting author-   |#|
|#| 104 Luzyer Way                             ization                  |#|
|#| Sulaco, VA 22545                  "Manufacturing educational widget |#|
|#| Phone # 804-555-1524               design for over 3 years..."      |#|
|#|=====================================================================|#|
|#|Liking Star Trek will be groovy with the chicks in 2254 - I can wait |#|
|#|=====================================================================|#|
|#|                                                                     |#|
|#|  Introducing:                                       Warez!          |#|
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|#|  The  |\  /|                         /              Nerdz!          |#|
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|#|       |    |                       /                                |#|
|#|       |    |                      /                                 |#|
|#|       |    | ETELHED             /_____ ONE                         |#|
|#|'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'|#|
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|#|\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\V/////////////////////////////////////|#|
|#| "This is the end, my friend..."      -- The Doors                   |#|
|#########################################################################|
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Hit "b" to continue

Hahahha... fooled u!
SOMETIMES, IDIOTS WHO ARE TOO FUCKING LAZY WILL LEAVE THE ALL CAPS KEY ON AND GIVE YOU HEADACHES, BECAUSE SOMEWHERE IN THE BACK OF OUR BRAINS, OTHER NET.USERS THINK THAT ALL CAPS MEANS YOU ARE SHOUTING AT US.

similarily we can get headaches from idiots who dont believe in punctuation and sometimes leave out words that important to understand phrase makes it very hard to understand we have read it over and over times to do so and sometimes the sentence loses a lot meaning and gibberish orange bucket of plaster sometime it is that way i dont think they capitalize much there for it to when so and then some

                                                                 Try to
                                                                 avoid
                                                                 unneccessary
                                                                 spaces
                                                                 or tabs.
Not all of us are at 28.8 kbps, you know.

Crossposting fanatics.  Stop.  I have seen lines like: Newsgroups: alt.sex,alt.sex.besiality,rec.tv.simpsons.maggie.suck.suck.suck, rec.soc.wicca,alt.tv.melrose.place,comp.usa.unix.programmers,rec.humor, rec.humor.gag,rec.humor.lemme.post.that.dyslexic.agnostic.joke.again, gay.vollyball,alt.satanism,alt.I.think.Im.evil.but.Im.just.a.geek,rec.dot. dot,rec.easily.offended.newsgroups,rec.dot.etc,fiznet.local.dc.se.anacostia. shoot.the.crips,rec.soc.nordic.sweden,alt.gay-biker.astrophysicists,rec.rude. dog,primnet.christians.who.ban.anything.fun,alt.tv.fan.mantis, etc... etc...

Also, FAQ means "Frequently Asked Questions."  Try to read one if one is available for a group to avoid looking this stupid: 

>Newsgroup: rec.arts.tv.startrek
>
>In message 921111.023556 bmoose@whatsamattaU.edu (Bullwinkle Moose) says:
>
>   Duh, like that Dr. Spock guy.  Why does he have pointy ears?  And has
>anyone noticed that the guy who plays Captain Cerk is not a very good
>actor?  And is that a toupee?

ME-TOO!

Please don't waste the bandwidth by sounding like a parrot: 

In message 941234.765432 bob@clone.net (Bob) said:
>In message 941234.765431 rob@clone.net (Rob) said:
>>In message 941234.765430 slob@clone.net (Slob) said:
>>>In message 941234.765429 knob@clone.net (Knob) said:
>>>>In message 941234.765428 gob@clone.net (Gob) said:
>>>>>In message 941234.765427 job@clone.net (Job) said:
>>>>>>In message 941234.765426 snob@clone.net (Snob) said:
>>>>>>>In message 941234.765425 blob@clone.net (Blob) said:
>>>>>>>>In message 941234.765424 zob@clone.net (Zob) said:
>>>>>>>>>In message 941234.765423 yob@clone.net (Yob) said:
>>>>>>>>>>In message 941234.765422 mob@clone.net (Mob) said:
>>>>>>>>>>>In message 941234.765432 dob@clone.net (Dob) said:
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>Post that message again about net.idots, that rocked!
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>See my new home page at http://www.generic.site/~luser
>>>>>>>>>>>------------------------------------------------------
>>>>>>>>>>>Dob@Clone.Net 
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>> Me too!
>>>>>>>>> Me too!
>>>>>>>> Me too!
>>>>>>> Me too!
>>>>>> Me too!
>>>>> Me too!
>>>> Me too!
>>> Me too!
>> Me too!
> Me too!
Me too!
------------
Bob@Clone.Net
FLAMING

Do not flame on media trivia: 

>In message 921111032241 cforrester@gizmonic.com (Dr. Clayton Forrester) says:
>
>to think that.  I would think that the main reason Data said that to LaForge
>is to hurry the plot line along.  I mean, not that it matters, but that's
>what I thought they meant.

How fucking DARE you think that?  What kind of ignoramous are you?  You are
so fucking stupid!  The Star Trek writers spend at least 2 months on each
episode.  They go into infallable scientific detail, and you, Mr Smartypants,
(oh, excuse me *Dr.* Smartypants) has to give us airs and try and use the
old line "It's just a TV show."  I have heard people say that so much, my
fist hurts by the end of the day from punching so many people.  It's not
*just* a TV show, but a guru of programming!  I even step out of my parent's
basement to watch it on their color TV!  This show is much more sophisticated
than you could ever fathom.  There is no such thing as a "plot advance" or
whatever you neandrathall of a loser think it was.  It was a hidden message
       [example shortened by eight pages for blessed brevity]
someone else's flame: 
>In message 920101121542 acapone@chistate.edu (Allan Capone) says:
>
>You filthy skum-sucking worm-snorting flaming homo of a flea's rectum. I
>wish you would eat shit and die!

Me?  Well, you are the necrosadobeastialalistic example of a white-out
sniffing pimp for diseased girls.  You are so ugly, if Satan himself saw
you, he would throw up just so he could bury his face into the vomit. How
dare you insult me, you urine bank for a mouth, uncouth, rabid foaming
elephant bile.
     [notice how the actual arguement topic is not mentioned...]
occasional spelling or grammar errors: 
>In message 9021090125 mghandi@fr.id (M. Ghandi) says:
>
>but if we can all live in paece, I think the world would be a better place.
                           ^^^^^

Paece?  What the fuck is paece?  Some Hindu dish with too much curry?  It's
faggots like you who make this world a communist cesspool by spreading
misspelled garbage to weaken the minds of us anal-retentive war-lovers.
STAY ON THE SUBJECT

Stay on the newsgroup or thread topic as much as possible: 

Newsgroup: rec.pets.bunnies

>In message 66611125285 bfru@fairy.com (Bunny Fru) says:
>
>I think it is just cute the way they nibble on cabbage.  It's like their
>nose is part of the chewing!

Yeah, that reminds me of something my cat did once. He was walking across
the road when he nearly got hit by a car.  It was one of those LeCars, like
from 1982.  It was red, and policemen know that red cars usually travel fast
and so the get more tickets.  I think it's unfair, but that's the sort of
Nazi tactics the police use here in new Jersey.  That and the pollution.
Pollution here is awful, I mean you cant even see, and cleaning you windows
would be impossible without some borax and vinegar.  I just add 2 parts
vinegar to one part borax, and it works great without streaking.  My wife
likes it when I clean, so that sort of flip-flops out roles in the marraige:
I do the cleaning, and she works late hours.  I think the boss is trying to
come onto her, but she's strong since she read Dianetics.  Say what you will
about that book, but it works great!  I don't think I am a space alien for
reading one, but if there is intelligent life out there, I bet you they
would avoid us.  We are too warlike.  I mean, can you believe Desert Storm?
           [six long and rambling paragraphs destroyed]
So then I said it would be too much money for just one operation, but that
insurance covered it with no problem.  Boy was relived!  Like when you
finally poop after holding it too long.  But what a mess! I found the best
           [ten more paragraphs deleted for sake of brevity]
until the name "Mauldling" is almost totally obscured?

I mean, would you do that with a giraffe in a crowded elevator?
Don't forget the "I'll-be-the-first-one-to-think-of-something-obvious" user: 
Message 1:

I hate events in which you have to wear a badge.

Message 2:
Badges?  We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Message 3:

Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Message 4:

badges we dont need no stupid badges

Message 5:

>badges we dont need no stupid badges
                        ^^^^^^

I think it's "stinkin'"

Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges!

Message 6:

>badges we dont need no stupid badges
                        ^^^^^^

its stinking, you total stupid poopoo head

badges we dont need no stinking badges

...

Message 425:

Hey!  I just started reading this group!

Badges!  We don't need no stinkin' badges?

(Say, why do they tell you to read these groups for a while before posting,
anyway?)
Are you Mr. Politically Correct?

Try to realize that you are not so important, that we actually care enough to purposely insult you: 

> In message 920205.125355 ssmalley@anal.retentive.edu (Stuart Smalley)
>
>"Please do not refer to me as a man, as that is a sexist label.  I'm vaginally
>challenged..."
Try not to share anything no one wants to hear: 
>In message 90215.44321 jfixx@jogalot.org (Jim Fixx)
>
>But I find that fungicide can work great, even with worker's boots.

I agree.  I had this toenail paste that oozed pus like white tar and 
toothpase that stuck to my socks, and tasted terrible!  When my running 
sores would get sticky, I would apply a jelly-like medicine to the cysts
        [ugh!  who wants to read the next paragrpah?]
took off the boils, but the pustules would still crack and burst.

This list is still growing. Send your gripes to:

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