The Mac Chat Room from Hell!

A Story of Rude Fiction from the Front Lines of Mac Heads
by Grig "I'll Deny I Wrote This" Larson

As some of you know, I used to work for the AOL Mac Beta team. There is something to be said about Mac users. We Windoze users are used to crashes, errors, and conflicts, and understand our equipment better because of it. But the Mac users out there are used to flawless programming, and tend to freak out more when something goes wrong, even if it is a beta software. So when I helped run the Mac Beta chat room for Mac AOL v 3.0, you can imagine the chaos. For those of you not used to the etiquette, users would post a "?" so we could put them on a list to talk to next. Keep in mind this is an exaggerated humor writing based vaguely on real events.

BetaBS:   .
BetaBS:   ** Please enter "?" on a blank line and we'll put you in our list
BetaBS:   ** Please do not talk out of turn, and do not talk to each other
BetaBS:   ** We control the horizontical and the vertical. Do not adjust
BetaBS:   ** your Mac. Whiners will be smacked. Thank you.
BetaBS:   .
TeenyPeeni:   ?
BetaBFD:   Teeny, how may I help you?
TeenyPeeni:   Yor prodkt sux!
BetaBFD:   Teeny:  That is a known bug, next?
Mac4Me:   ?
TeenyPeeni:   Wate, im not dun!
BetaFTW:   Mac4Me, how may I help you?
BetaBFD:   Teeny:   yes you are!
Mac4Me:   I can't get back on my PPP provider since I used Mac AOL, what do I do now?
BetaFTW:   Mac:   You're hosed...
TeenyPeeni:   i hat windoz!
OnlineHost:   "AOLExuse" has entered the room.
Mac4Me:   What do you mean, I'm hosed?
AOLExcuse:   ?
BetaFY2:   What do *you* want, AOLExcuse?
TeenyPeeni:   Mac rulz!
BetaBFD:   Teeny, do you even have a question?
AOLExcuse:   Nothing, I am just lurking.
TeenyPeeni:   a question? wuts that? kan i point an klik that or somthin?
BetaFTW:   Mac:   I mean, you're hosed, screwed, up shit creek without a paddle. No-PPP-ville for you!
BetaFY2:   AOLEx:   Then why did you put up a question mark, then?
AOLExcuse:   I didn't.
BetaBS:   .
BetaBS:   ** Please enter "?" on a blank line and we'll put you in our list
BetaBS:   ** Please do not talk out of turn, and do not talk to each other
BetaBS:   ** We control the horizontical and the vertical. Do not adjust
BetaBS:   ** your Mac. Whiners will be smacked. Thank you.
BetaBS:   .
BetaFY2:   AOLEx, yes you did!
AOLExcuse:   No I didn't!
Mac4Me:   So, what, then, I can't get back on, even with FreePPP?
TeenyPeeni:   point an klik 4evr!
BetaFY2:   AOLEx:   Yes you did, I saw you!
AOLExcuse:   Did not!
BetaBFD:   Mac:   Not even if your mother was Jesus Christ.
BetaFY2:   AOLEx:   Did to!
AOLExcuse:   Did not!
BetaFY2:   Did to!
OnlineHost:   BiggBonr has entered the room.
OnlineHost:   Dweebus has entered the room.
OnlineHost:   Elvis has left the building.
OnlineHost:   Houston, we have a problem.
BiggBonr:   ?
Dweebus:   !
AOLExcuse:   Did not!
BetaFY2:   You lie! Just look in the chat log!
Mac4Me:   As a seasoned Mac user, I find that answer unsatisfactory.
TeenyPeeni:   i hat windoz, it sux big rox
BetaBFD:   BiggBonr, how may I help you?
OnlineHost:   Attention AOL Shoppers, blue light special in chat row 3...
Mac4Me:   hey, I'm not done!
BetaBFD:   Mac, yes you are... go on, BiggBonr.
BiggBonr:   I was wondering if I will be able to access the adult areas with Mac 3.0?
AOLExcuse:   I don't see it. You must need glasses.
BetaFY2:   Glasses? You need a lobotomy you "click'n'grunt" flunkie!
BetaBFD:   Bonr:   Adult areas?
Mac4Me:   According to my book, "Point and Click Your Way to Mac Programing," it fully states that is a poor answer.
TeenyPeeni:   konsidr the lily...
Dweebus:   Hey, when is someone gonna answer my gripes?
BetaBS:   Dweeb, wait your turn!
Dweebus:   Well, 'scuse the fuck out of me!
OnlineHost:   Dweebus has left the room.
BiggBonr:   You know, all that child pornography I keep hearing about in the news. Where is it? When will it be available for Mac clients?
OnlineHost:   Dweebus is being flogged with whips impregnated with rusty flakes and glass shards.
BetaBFD:   Keyword: YEAHRIGHT
OnlineHost:   And smeared with lemon juice and cheap cologne.
AOLExcuse:   Windows gunkie!
BiggBonr:   Alright!
OnlineHost:   BiggBonr has left the room.
Mac4Me:   ??
TeenyPeeni:   metalika rulz!
OnlineHost:   Will the owner of a white Toyota Celica, Arizona Plates PRL-110, please return to your vehicle.
Mac4Me:   ?
Mac4Me:   ?
TeenyPeeni:   neechee iz gud! beeing an nothingness is kewl!
Mac4Me:   ?
Mac4Me:   ?
BetaBFD:   If you haven't guessed yet, Mac, we're ignoring you.
Mac4Me:   That's not a satisfactory answer either.
OnlineHost:   The red zone is for loading and unloading only. Do not park in the red zone...
BetaBS:   .
BetaBS:   ** Please enter "?" on a blank line and we'll put you in our list
BetaBS:   ** Please do not talk out of turn, and do not talk to each other
BetaBS:   ** We control the horizontical and the vertical. Do not adjust
BetaBS:   ** your Mac. Whiners will be smacked. Thank you.
BetaBS:   .
OnlineHost:   The white zone is for passengers. Do not load freight in the red zone...
OnlineHost:   BiggBonr has entered the room.
BiggBonr:   Hey, you lied! It said invalid keyword.
BetaBFD:   Try KEYWORD Christian, he's the guy that owns the kiddie porno
BetaBFD:   and after you post in "Christian's Family Forum", he'll give you the stuff
BiggBonr:   Alright!
OnlineHost:   BiggBonr has left the room.
OnlineHost:   We have a little lost girl by the name of Rachel. Please come to the information desk to claim her.
OnlineHost:   MacRulz has enetered the room.
AOLExcuse:   If I said I did not post a question mark, I did not do it!
BetaFY2:   Get lost.
MacRulz:   ?
BetaBFD:   MacRulz, although I fear I will regret asking, how may I help you?
MacRulz:   Yeah, you bet! I get this type 11 error with my MemFucker extension.
Seymore:   Say, isn't anyone going to ask if they can help me?
BetaBS:   Did you put up a question mark? I think the answer is NO...
Seymore:   Yes I did, last Wednesday! I have been in the chat room waiting!
BetaBS:   Yeah, right, since *Wednesday*?
BetaNoDoz:   I can vouch for that, I couldn't close the chat room!
BetaBFD:   MacRulz, I am not familiar with the MemFucker... what does it do?
BetaBS:   Damn, NoDoz, are you still here?
BetaNoDoz:   Christ, can I take a bathroom break, finally?
MacRulz:   It's a utility that takes my 512K and makes it act like 24megs.
BetaBS:   I guess you'll have to speak with OPs on that one, NoDoz.
BetaBFD:   512K to 24Megs???
TeenyPeeni:   DOS sux 2...
BetaNoDoz:   I did, and some wiseass sent me an AOL Coffee mug through office mail!
MacRulz:   It uses a lot of swap files...
BetaBFD:   I BET!!! How old is your system?
OnlineHost:   MasterBeta has entered the room.
MacRulz:   It's a Mac Plus with a 20 Meg HD...
BetaBFD:   20 meg HD? How the hell do you get swap files to work, then?
BetaNoDoz:   Hey, MasterBeta! How do I get off this 72-hour shift?
MasterBeta:   We sent you the coffee mug, didn't we?
MacRulz:   I have this "DriveDoubler" Utility that makes my HD think it's 1.2 gig...
Seymore:   Can I ask my question now?
BetaBFD:   MemFucker makes your 512K run 24meg, and DriveDoubler makes 20Meg into 1.2 gig?
BetaBS:   Okay, Seymore, what's your question?
Seymore:   How come no one answers my bug reports?
OnlineHost:   Seymore has left the room.
MasterBeta:   I hate whiners.
MacRulz:   I also have PretendPPC that makes my Mac Plus think it's a Power PC! Pretty cool, huh?
BetaBFD:   Mac, get a different system.
MacRulz:   How about if I remove that "ThinkCD", the utility that makes the disk drive think it's a CD player?
BetaBFD:   The money you spent on that software could have bought you Power PC ...!
MacRulz:   So I've got trouble?
BetaBFD:   You've got trouble...
MacRulz:   Right here in Beta City?
BetaBFD:   Right here in Beta City. That starts with "T" that rhymes with "C" and that stands for Crash...
OnlineHost:   HubbaBubba has entered the room.
OnlineHost:   HateWin95 has entered the room.
HubbaBubba:   ?
BetaFY2:   Hubba, what's up your butt?
OnlineHost:   MacRulz is a fool, and has left the room in shame.
HubbaBubba:   I have 105 megs of memory, and your FAQ says I need Virtual Memory on, is that true?
HateWin95:   ?
BetaFTW:   Hate, say it don't spray it, what can I do you for?
BetaFY2:   Hubba, yes, that is true, we wouldn't lie to you.
HateWin95:   Your product is too much like Windows, I mean, it uses the color blue at random!
HubbaBubba:   I don't like Virtual Memory, tell me another solution.
BetaFTW:   HateWin, what do you mean by that?
OnlineHost:   Seymore has entered the room.
Seymore:   ?
MasterBeta:   Seymore, go fuck yourself.
MasterBeta:   Sorry, wrong macro.. Seymore, how may I help you?
HateWin95:   You used a blue background in Kwd:   Skyscapes. That's a Windoze thing.
Seymore:   I wrote this bug report that said Steve Case's letter had no less that 3 grammatical errors...
BetaFY2:   Hubba, just deal with it. Life sucks. You're a beta tester, for God's sake!
OnlineHost:   Seymore has been dope-slapped.
BetaFTW:   HateWin, Skyscapes is an area dedicated to photographs of the atmosphere
BetaFTW:   HateWin, it is bound to be blue because the sky is blue
TeenyPeeni:   long liv the ubermensch!
OnlineHost:   TeenyPeeni has winked out of existence.
HubbaBubba:   I wanted to be a beta tester for the free hours and cool software, and the software
HubbaBubba:   doesn't even work right. Can't you guys even get beta perfect?
HateWin95:   Sorry, not an acceptable answer. You guys sold out to Windows. You suck.
BetaFTW:   Hubba, I bet you own a Ford Escort, don't you?
HateWin95:   According to the book, "Mac Weenie's Bible of Anal Program Structure", blue is a
HateWin95:   Windows color. Not a Mac color. Not a Mac color, ok? Change it.
OnlineHost:   MiliJock has entered the room.
MiliJock:   ?
HubbaBubba:   I refuse to turn on Virtual Memory. I have enougha%* +++ NO CARRIER
OnlineHost:   HubbaBubba has left the room.
BetaNFW:   MiliJock, how may I help you?
MiliJock:   Yeah, you pansies have a "store password" feature in Auto AOL!
BetaNFW:   MiliJock, and your point?
MiliJock:   Why do you suspicious people want my password?
OnlineHost:   Seymore has slumped out of the room.
BetaNFW:   You don't have to store it.
MiliJock:   But I can't sign on Auto AOL without it! I know what you're up to...
BetaNFW:   Yeah, MiliJock, I am up to here with you paranoid Mac users!
OnlineHost:   Milijock is hiding in a bunker, pretending not to be seen.
OnlineHost:   Milijock's web cache is full of GIFs displaying buff men in women's panties.
Milijock:   Hey!
OnlineHost:   Milijock has left the room.
MasterBeta:   Hey guys, let's blow this joint. I know a great coffee shop around the corner.
BetaBS:   Alright!
BetaFTW:   Cool!
BetaFY2:   Great!
BetaBFD:   Awsome!
OnlineHost:   BetaBFD has left the room.
OnlineHost:   BetaBS has left the room.
OnlineHost:   BetaFTW has left the room.
OnlineHost:   BetaFY2 has left the room.
BetaNoDoz:   Alright, coffee!
HateWin95:   Oh, no you don't. I'm not leaving until we say it together. Mac does not use blue!
BetaNoDoz:   It figures...

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