Greasyhead and the Three Bears

Not so long ago, there was a small beach house where three bears lived. There was a Mamma Bear, the Pappa Bear, and the little Nephew Bear who had a ring through his nose and a bad attitude. One day, after a particular nasty fight about whether Uncle Bea r had relations with Mamma Bar before Pappa Bear married her, they all decided to have a loving circle discussion down by the shore. Heck, they shelled out over half a grand a week for this house, they might as well make the most of it. Nephew Bear wasn 't into this, but it was part of his parole agreement. So they left their meal sit on the table and went to the beach.

Along came Greasyhead. She was so named because she hadn't washed her hair in months, and flies that circled her head would actually STICK to her long, spindly locks until they either fell out with all the other accumulated debris, or a bird ate them. A nyway, this girl, who also had tan skin from accumulated dirt and grime, was skipping through the forest, when she came to the Bear's Beach house.

"Oh, my," she said, partly in surprise, partly in sarcasm, "what a lovely house!" She attempted to open the door, but it was locked. So she punched in a window. "And left open for just anyone to wander into," she added to herself, somehow also justifyi ng what she had just done at that convenience store last week.

She came to the kitchen, where the interrupted meals lay on the table. She tried the Pappa Bear's bowl, but it was really salty. "Major bummer!" she cried out, so she tried Mamma Bear's bowl, but it was all tofu and beancurd. "I could plaster a wall wi th this crap!" she said in disgust. Then she tried the third and smallest bowl, but that was too spicy, so she went into the freezer and cooked herself a microwave pizza.

After wolfing down the pizza, she went into the living room, flicked on the cable box, and sat in Pappa Bear's chair. But it was one of those vibrating kind you get from the sharper image, and quickly, she became seasick. "N-N-N-O-O-O-O W-W-W-WA-A-Y-Y- Y-Y-YYY" she said, and then tried Mamma Bear's chair. But that chair was the orthopedic kind that bent your back in all kinds of weird angles. By now, the combination of two bad chairs and an improperly thawed microwave pizza had made her quite ill, so she looked at the third chair, and threw up into it.

"I don't feel so good," she commented, and after raiding the liqour cabinet, wandered upstairs. There she found the bedroom, and jumped into Pappa Bear's bed. Bit it was way too soft, and dipped in the middle, so she tried Mamma Bear's bed. Mamma Bear, and you may have guessed, had a bad back, so this bed was one of those Craftmatic Pretzel beds. Greasyhead's blood rushed to her skull as she lay at a weird angle. Somehow blaming her current woes on how she never had a decent childhood, she threw hers elf into the last bed. Unfortunatley for her, it was a futon with an ultra-thin mattress, so she banged her head on the frame and passed out.

"That was lame-o!" grumbled the Nephew Bear as they headed back to the Beach House.

"Shut up, you twerp," shouted Pappa Bear, "and get a haircut!"

"Can't we all just get along?" whined Mamma Bear, and was promptly ignored. But when they got inside, they knew something was wrong.

"Hey, somone's been eating my gumbo!" exclaimed Pappa Bear.

"Oh, dear... my tofu ocean surprise is out of balance!" exlaimed Mamma Bear as she fingered her Crystal Ying-Yang symbol.

"Whoever ate my microwave pizza is a DEAD MAN!" screamed the Nephew Bear, and promptly gave the rest of his adopted family the silent treatment while exiting to the living room.

"Aw, man!" he said a few seconds later. The family rushed into the room.

"Hey, someone's left my chair on!" noticed Pappa Bear. "And descrambled the Playboy Channel!"

"Oh, my stars..." fretted Mamma Bear, "I'm going to have to reset the frame on mine..."

"If I find the JERK who PUKED in MY CHAIR, I am going to BLOW THEIR HEAD OFF!" said the Nephew Bear, who pulled the .22 Gauge Shotgun from the hunting rack above the fireplace.

The bears looked around the house, to see what else was disturbed or missing.

"Someone's messed up my bed!" said Pappa Bear.

Mamma Bear wrung her hands over her prayer beads. "Someone's been in my b--"

BLAM! BLAM! went the shotgun.

"Problem solved!" exclaimed a satisfied Nephew Bear.

And so the family ate Greasyhead's remains, and became very ill because she was also a carrier of sominella and thyphoid.

The moral of this story is, DON'T BREAK INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES! Sheesh...

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