As featured here:

Most of my friends know I don't care for poetry very much. Maybe I just had some bad teachers who made poetry an excruciating experience or boredom and study. Maybe it's because I don't understand it. Maybe I have been surrounded by bad poets all my life. All I know is in 1991 I won a "Gothic Poetry Contest" at a convention and all I had in front of me was a blank piece of paper. Yes, I made it up as I went along. Even when I admitted this, it was labeled as "Stunningly abstract, without form, a true..." well, you get the idea. I just think they didn't know what they were doing, and too embarrassed to admit it.

Many years ago, I had a friend named Andrew. Andrew was a friend from high school, and I hadn't seen him in a few years. One day, he called me out of the blue and asked if I would have lunch with him. I agreed, and met him at a hotel, where he was giving a speech on modern art. He had a slide show showing some of the recent works to sell at a Soho gallery, and these were real winners to me. A 6' x 8' black canvas with an orange square in it. I rolled my eyes at some of them, and Andrew must have seen me because he brought me onstage and asked me to explain why I did this. He wasn't mad or anything, he had a smirk on his face. Well, after he forced me to explain myself (he said, "If the art world could not take your criticism, it doesn't deserve to be art!"), I made the statement, "Well, it's easy, anyone can do it. *I* can do it." His response I will never forget:

"Well, *you* didn't!"

So now I will present to you some of the worst haiku I have ever seen, and I made it. I followed the standard 5-7-5 rule, and read how some "haiku masters" were doing it. You have been warned. This is to prove to myself that I can do poetry, and that I think the concept sucks, and not because I have a sour grapes concept. By the way, all these are originally by me, created while watching compiled code crash or in boring meetings. So they are copyrighted. Have fun. :)

Insulting Haiku
I asked myself, what does a Zen master do when he's dissed?
Your head is a void
A space of blank nothingness
A vacuum with ears
Why do you exist?
Your presence lacks all substance
Wasting oxygen
I never liked you
You are a pain in the neck
Without a purpose
You, without purpose
As useless as damp paper
Rebel without clues
You suck so badly
A false vacuum created
Yet, you also blow
If I cared enough
I would hate your stinking guts
But you're meaningless
Oh, please go away!
I would not care if you died
I would be at peace
Hey, are you still here?
You just don't get it, do you?
Begone, foul cretin!
You will not go away
You are too stupid to care
I can see that now

Childhood Haiku
Haiku for parental burnout
Arms, legs, everywhere
Like octopus in mesh bag
Dressing the infant
My baby is great
His smiles are like sunshine rays
He peed on my face!
Who put cheese in here?
It was my little toddler?
So long, VCR...
Running, loud yelling.
Toddler ate all the cookies
Sugar spaz attack.
Big sister hates her
Little brother beat her up bad.
Life of middle kid.
Nyquil is so great
When your children are really sick
Puts parents to sleep.
Naked on Bearskin
Show those photos to prom date
My son embarrassed
Mopey, moody teens
Parents understand nothing
Grandma's sweet revenge
College age is here
Kids party, never study!
Just like mom and dad...

Bad Food Haiku
There is more than just Spam haiku now.
Is this yogurt fresh?
It was on September 3rd
But that was LAST year...
Red meat is not bad
Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad
I will throw it out
Too much cookie dough
I ate several tubes full
Now I cannot poop
Who ate the fish sticks?
They had severe freezer burn
You will get very sick
God how I hate peas
Little green balls disgust me
They roll everywhere
Bruce made bad cheesecake
He made the stuff on a dare
It turned to cement
My fridge is too cold
Someone fooled with the temp dial
The milk has frozen
Raisins are nasty
I tried to like them, really!
Look like rabbit turds
Chug the black coffee
Gulp, stuff, and swallow quickly!
Lunch at the help desk
I hate my roommate
He ate all the gourmet cheese
I hate Velveeta
I cannot type well
My keyboard sticks and smells bad
It is full of crumbs
Lonely bachelor
Eats Cheetos while watching porn
His dick is orange

Computer Field Haiku
From my experience working in the field
The boss is coming!
He's checking on the project
All must look busy
Why did I wear shorts?
The computer lab is cold
Testicles shrinking
I am sorry sir
Our program is full of bugs
Get the new version
I am a bad tech
No matter what the complaint
I blame Microsoft
What can I blame now?
Evil Computer Spirits
That will buy some time
What did I do wrong?
Was it something I said wrong?
I hate layoff blues
My job is a sham
I don't know what I'm doing
But they still pay me
The code will not run
I Check the code, recompile
Sigh, it still crashes
I hate this project
Maybe I can delay this
Until quitting time

The Black Hole of Careers
They prowl the mall floors
Blue and black suits pressed neatly
Known as rent-a-cops
Kill the manager
She is a wicked slave driver
Making me work nights
I am quitting now
Rebel without a pay raise
Watch me flee from hell
Ugly broken toy
Mark it down twenty percent
Someone will buy it
Saturday night crowd
The adults dropped off the kids
Mall rats prowl the halls
Your order is lost?
I am sorry about that
Okay, not really...
'Scuse me, Mr. Dong?
Your table is now ready
We laughed at your name
Bonuses are not!
Stock options vest in four years?
I'll be gone by then...
This job really sucks.
The suit is hot and smelly.
Damn that Chuckee Cheese.

Living the Life of R'yleh
One big green demon
I called him to my own home
So long, big sister!
He sleeps, lies dreaming
In his dark sunken city
Why did I wake him?
Now he has my soul
I must build him a temple
Out of black Legos

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