As featured here:
www.haiku.com
Most of my friends know I don't care for poetry very much. Maybe I just had some bad teachers who made poetry an excruciating experience or boredom and study. Maybe it's because I don't understand it. Maybe I have been surrounded by bad poets all my life. All I know is in 1991 I won a "Gothic Poetry Contest" at a convention and all I had in front of me was a blank piece of paper. Yes, I made it up as I went along. Even when I admitted this, it was labeled as "Stunningly abstract, without form, a true..." well, you get the idea. I just think they didn't know what they were doing, and too embarrassed to admit it.
Many years ago, I had a friend named Andrew. Andrew was a friend from high school, and I hadn't seen him in a few years. One day, he called me out of the blue and asked if I would have lunch with him. I agreed, and met him at a hotel, where he was giving a speech on modern art. He had a slide show showing some of the recent works to sell at a Soho gallery, and these were real winners to me. A 6' x 8' black canvas with an orange square in it. I rolled my eyes at some of them, and Andrew must have seen me because he brought me onstage and asked me to explain why I did this. He wasn't mad or anything, he had a smirk on his face. Well, after he forced me to explain myself (he said, "If the art world could not take your criticism, it doesn't deserve to be art!"), I made the statement, "Well, it's easy, anyone can do it. *I* can do it." His response I will never forget:
"Well, *you* didn't!"
So now I will present to you some of the worst haiku I have ever seen, and I made it. I followed the standard 5-7-5 rule, and read how some "haiku masters" were doing it. You have been warned. This is to prove to myself that I can do poetry, and that I think the concept sucks, and not because I have a sour grapes concept. By the way, all these are originally by me, created while watching compiled code crash or in boring meetings. So they are copyrighted. Have fun. :)
| Your head is a void A space of blank nothingness A vacuum with ears |
Why do you exist? Your presence lacks all substance Wasting oxygen |
I never liked you You are a pain in the neck Without a purpose |
| You, without purpose As useless as damp paper Rebel without clues |
You suck so badly A false vacuum created Yet, you also blow |
If I cared enough I would hate your stinking guts But you're meaningless |
| Oh, please go away! I would not care if you died I would be at peace |
Hey, are you still here? You just don't get it, do you? Begone, foul cretin! |
You will not go away You are too stupid to care I can see that now |
| Arms, legs, everywhere Like octopus in mesh bag Dressing the infant |
My baby is great His smiles are like sunshine rays He peed on my face! |
Who put cheese in here? It was my little toddler? So long, VCR... |
| Running, loud yelling. Toddler ate all the cookies Sugar spaz attack. |
Big sister hates her Little brother beat her up bad. Life of middle kid. |
Nyquil is so great When your children are really sick Puts parents to sleep. |
| Naked on Bearskin Show those photos to prom date My son embarrassed |
Mopey, moody teens Parents understand nothing Grandma's sweet revenge |
College age is here Kids party, never study! Just like mom and dad... |
| Is this yogurt fresh? It was on September 3rd But that was LAST year... |
Red meat is not bad Fuzzy blue-green meat is bad I will throw it out |
Too much cookie dough I ate several tubes full Now I cannot poop |
| Who ate the fish sticks? They had severe freezer burn You will get very sick |
God how I hate peas Little green balls disgust me They roll everywhere |
Bruce made bad cheesecake He made the stuff on a dare It turned to cement |
| My fridge is too cold Someone fooled with the temp dial The milk has frozen |
Raisins are nasty I tried to like them, really! Look like rabbit turds |
Chug the black coffee Gulp, stuff, and swallow quickly! Lunch at the help desk |
| I hate my roommate He ate all the gourmet cheeseI hate Velveeta |
I cannot type well My keyboard sticks and smells bad It is full of crumbs |
Lonely bachelor Eats Cheetos while watching porn His dick is orange |
| The boss is coming! He's checking on the project All must look busy |
Why did I wear shorts? The computer lab is cold Testicles shrinking |
I am sorry sir Our program is full of bugs Get the new version |
| I am a bad tech No matter what the complaint I blame Microsoft |
What can I blame now? Evil Computer Spirits That will buy some time |
What did I do wrong? Was it something I said wrong? I hate layoff blues |
| My job is a sham I don't know what I'm doing But they still pay me |
The code will not run I Check the code, recompile Sigh, it still crashes |
I hate this project Maybe I can delay this Until quitting time |
| They prowl the mall floors Blue and black suits pressed neatly Known as rent-a-cops |
Kill the manager She is a wicked slave driver Making me work nights |
I am quitting now Rebel without a pay raise Watch me flee from hell |
| Ugly broken toy Mark it down twenty percent Someone will buy it |
Saturday night crowd The adults dropped off the kids Mall rats prowl the halls |
Your order is lost? I am sorry about that Okay, not really... |
| 'Scuse me, Mr. Dong? Your table is now ready We laughed at your name |
Bonuses are not! Stock options vest in four years? I'll be gone by then... |
This job really sucks. The suit is hot and smelly. Damn that Chuckee Cheese. |
| One big green demon I called him to my own home So long, big sister! |
He sleeps, lies dreaming In his dark sunken city Why did I wake him? |
Now he has my soul I must build him a temple Out of black Legos |