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03/18/2004 Entry: "Sorry, I died in a car crash 5 years ago, this blog is an illusion from Togolese Bank Administrators"

Christine got this spam/scam today (some bad spacing and punctuation corrected):

Date: 3/18/2004 4:20:12 AM Eastern Standard Time
From: paulwilliams15@tiscali.co.uk

ATTN: [middle name] Larson,

Funny how they got her middle name (I removed) right. I am assuming they got it off a web page or something. Why did they not call her by her first name? Maybe they thought it was likely to seem more personal. My friend Neal's family all go by their middle name.

I am Mr.paul williams, the director in charge of Auditing and Accounting section with the Horse Bank Plc, Lome- Togo.

Anyone remember the SCTV season in the early 1980s where they "went global?" I always think of "The Republic of Togo" with some grass hut on stilts where someone tosses a TV out the window. Hee! We saw this, and though, "Nigeria-style scam" but this is far... more disturbing... hey, wasn't Paul that mop-haired folk singer on the Muppet Show?

On the 5th of April 1999, our customer (Mr. Gregory Larson),his wife and two children were involved in a ghastly car crash along Lome express Road. Unfortunately they all lost their lives in the event of the accident,since then I have made several enquiries to locate any of his relatives, this has proved unsuccessful. After these abortive attempts I decided to contact you regarding this subject matter because he was a national of your country, who worked with the Mining & Agro Allied Corporation
(MAAC),as an expartriate staff, here in Togo.

No wonder. He sent the letter to the deceased. I wonder where my extra child came from? Someone owes me back-taxes! All kidding aside, can you imagine how upsetting this letter must be to some gullible people? Finding out a friend died with his family in a car crash? Man, how ... low. And then, on top of that, assuming the person is money grubbing, too. These people have no morals, and assume you don't either. Classic projection syndrome. I looked up Lome Express Road, and Mapquest and Yahoo Maps didn't have it, but interestingly, the capital city of Togo is Lome, so I assume that they think I was in Togo when this happened.... five years ago. According to the CIA, Togo is a transit hub for Nigerian heroin and cocaine traffickers, but money laundering is "not a significant problem."

I am contacting you to assist in repartriating the funds left behind by our late customer before they get confiscated. Particularly, he had an account valued at about US$8.5M (Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars Only) with our bank.

Holy crap! And I thought I lost it all in the dot.com bubble. I forgot about my mining invesments in Togo (we were mining for more grass for huts, while avoiding falling TV sets). Togo is the world's fourth-largest producer of phosphate, but production fell an estimated 22% in 2002 due to power shortages and the cost of developing new deposits, so that's why we started mining for grass. Er, I mean, had I been alive in 2002.

As the director of Auditing & Accounting Section,

Whom uses an address in the UK, and is named after the Evergreen'Singer, Songwriter and Actor who was on the Muppet Show episode nominated for an Emmy. Wasn't that the one where Paul admitted he'd only showed up because he wanted to be the tallest person there? Sorry, Paul.

Remittance Department of the Bank has issued me a notice to provide them with the late Customer's Next of kin or have the account confiscated within the next Fourteen (14) banking days. According to Togolese Law, at the expiration of Five (5) Years, the fund will revert to the ownership of the Bank Treasury if nobody apply to claim the fund.

So, of course, the Remittance Department of the Bank, who could stand a lot to gain by not telling anyone, wants you to know it's available to my friends first. How nice! Of course, it took my friends and relatives 5 years to figure out I was dead, so they're no better.

Since I have been unsuccesfull

In spelling and punctuation... and about them grammar words you chosen! Oh no, gun wounds again! I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way, Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep! A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

in locating the relatives for over (4) years now, I seek your consent to present you as the next of kin of the deceased since you are from the same Country and the same last/surname name, so that the proceeds of this account valued US$8.5M (Eight Million Five Hundred Thousand US Dollars Only) will be transfered into your nominated bank account. I discovered that he DID NOT declare any Kin or relation in all his official documents,including his Bank Deposit Papers.

I didn't want my father involved. He he... you know... I *could* send him my father's name, phone, and address... hehe hehe... no, that's TOO mean!

Therefore, no one will ever come forward to claim the fund.I have all necessary legal documents that can be used to back-up this claim as they shall be obtained without contravening the law. All I require is your honest co-operation to enable us see this project through. I guarantee you that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect us from any breach of the law.

You know... unlike the scam we're pulling now.

I solicit for your assistance in transferring this fund into your foreign account for personal investment purpose. Having found out that your city are known for business acumen and trustworthiness in business dealings, this is also to enable me invest my own share of the fund in your city.

Why... thanks! Jesus, how callous, considering I'm already dead!

If you can handle this transaction for our joint benefit, please get back to me on the phone number above so I can give you more details, as what is required now is to have you as the next of Kin to enable the bank transfer the fund in your favour.

That would be great... but... ah... what phone number? You know, in order for this scam to work, bozo, you actually have to give a contact point. I guess I'm supposed to e-mail you back to see if I took the bait.

I want you to understand that this transaction must be kept in utmost confidentiality and se:
crecy because of my position here and the bank might claim the fund if nobody
applies for it.

Oh, of course! I will keep the fact you can't even send an attachement right with the e-mail a secret. Shhhhh!

Thank you for your co-operation in advance with an assurance that this is the beginning of our long-term business relationship. We will discuss the percentage ratio when we talk. I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours since

PLs. Reply Via Alternative E-mail:

Only if you sing, "Just an Old Fashioned Love Song" like you did with Kermit the Frog in 1976! Wooo!

Broadband from an unbeatable 15.99!


Wait, are you selling me broadband in the UK, too? Is this your business venture you need my dead self's money for? Sorry, that market's saturated. I know this lovely little property in City of Niagara Falls, New York. Called Love Canal. New housing development, just opened up. I'll act as a mediation agent. We'll funnel the funds through my Brooklyn Bridge project via Amway and the Jim Baker ministry.

Call me. At the number above.

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